Yesterday, I had my last official class at Buffalo State College and I must admit that leading up to that last class I couldn't wait to be done! In fact, I just wanted the semester to end as quickly as possible. When I got to school, it had that weird finals week vibe where there is hardly anyone on campus and those who are seem too preoccupied with finals to even act like human beings. Those of us who have had to endure finals week understand the kind of feral beast that starts to emerge when papers pile up and final exams erupt left and right. But this semester I didn't feel any of that. I was just excited to be done.
I was thrilled when the clock hit 3:30 so I could leave Rockwell Hall and be done with my undergrad. Even packing up my bag for the final time felt like no big deal. It was't until I was out in the hall standing with my new fall friends, talking about next semester that I realized what was happening. Someone said See you later and I said No. You won't. I'm graduating. And this sentence felt so weird in my mouth and then everyone was hugging me and congratulating me and I realized I might never see these people again. Now of course we can talk on Facebook but that doesn't mean we will and I just knew there was something so different about this last day and my last day of high school but I couldn't figure it out. In fact, it took me until now to figure out what it was. You see in high school, you've known your peers most your life. They saw you go through your awkward phase and they know every embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you. But in college, your peers are usually the people who love the same things you do, who get you, who accept the fact that you're different, that you love Harry Potter and books and words. To them, you're just a writer, not that weird person who writes. And I knew that I would be leaving that behind. I would be leaving behind these people and also leaving behind a piece of myself. I changed so much in college and I knew I would be leaving the pieces of that changed person behind.
My freshman year of college I was insecure and afraid to make friends and unsure of the future, hiding behind books and good grades. But now I'm confident in my writing, knowing that my words make me unique and that my stories are worth telling. I'm not afraid of meeting people and making friends because I've learned how great people can really be. Of course I will always have my best friend from high school. He will always have my past and my future, but my college friends have a part of me that I will always cherish. I'm still unsure of the future but not in the same way. I'm not scared of it anymore. I just know it will take me where it wants and I'm okay with that. I still love books and I still get good grades but I don't use them to hide.
Next month I will be starting graduate school and while I'm somewhat nervous, I know I'm ready. I can't wait to sit down and actually read, to write without the constant homework and papers and tests hanging over my head. I'm ready to be a writer. Because that's what I've always been, even when I didn't know it. In college, I was able to find my voice as a writer. I wrote a book and have almost finished the second one and I've written papers and poems and a plethora of short stories. In college, I was able to really call myself a writer, to accept that my words were important, that they will always be important. So now that I'm officially done, I realize how much I've changed and I couldn't be happier and more excited for the future. But I know I will never be this person again. Things will change a second from now and a day from now, a month and a year from now and I just hope I remember this person I am because I think she's pretty great. I hope I remember how this little story started and how it's grown while I work toward getting published because I really want to share it with you, invisible reader. And I hope someday I can meet you and talk to you about books and the future and words and even what it's like to graduate.
xoxo
K.K.